Thanks John Barth!
To Brom Bones: MY LOVE
Christopher Columbus railed on his nearest companion, Brom Bones, first mate, second lover, and third friend.
“Brom Bones, you son of a whore! Literally, you rapscallion! Ah, a storm’s about and we must keep ourselves warm. So bring your diseased blankets into the dirty room full of boards, wood, and pirate’s rum. We’re no pirates though. Our alliances lie elsewhere, nowhere, Spainwhere! Find the fire that will light my loins, Bones! Find the light that will fight my desire, the fire! Make it a warm one, with rufflely roars and whimsical chords. Fan the flames and call on high, let the Spanish Gods have their pie, sir. Oh, Brom Bones, ‘tis land ahead, go steady yet in due haste and don’t stop until we have the correct momentum, don’t stop until we can memorialate and consummate this party for our very Spanish souls. Did I mention we’re Spanish?”
Christopher Columbus finished his flogging and tore into the deck.
“Men! At least you call yourself men! Man the gaps and anchor the mast! Land I seek on a ship so meek to pray to lie to sit to dive into waters so pure the blue hatred of one’s eye washed away into the memories that sand encapsulates.”
The men did what they were told and Christopher Columbus was gratified. His lustful loins pressed into Brom Bone’s femur. Feeling moister by the second and drier by the minute, Christopher Columbus summoned to the sky with the fury of an angel and the cunning of a tradesman.
“What will meet us in these untamed lands? Who will seek us and in sooth, who will we seek? How will we find the strength to go beyond the floggy rails of our past months at sea. Me, my men and the old man (not the river, but the Ocean, fears the ages and fights the sages! Crack the whip and kneel there be nips! India we shall call this unsacred land).”
They slowly got off the ship and all fell at the same time. Sea legs were upon the crew and none the wiser. They all shared a polite, cordial laugh, eyes shining, and got up only to fall down again. The laughter this time was cruel, callous, empty, putrid, presumptuous, cunning, devoid of meaning and dependent of viciousness.
“Before our very sea-weary eyes! What do we have, but savages. Bearing their God-given goods for all of nature (and civilization) to take in. Damn their flesh, damn them, Bones, carve them up, tie them up, to the rails!”
They tied the enemies of their God onto a canoe that they fashioned from the alien trees upon the shores. In a symbolic gesture that would have made Homer blush, they pushed the canoe out into the sea, dragging the savage warriors out to the Clementine-inspired death, but not before setting the canoe afire!
“What element will do our work, Spain’s work, first? Fight water with fire and fire with water. This is the coliseum for the Gods! This is where the Romans are in present day, past day and the future combining to watch fire take savage flesh while the cool temptations of water seduce mother breath! Oh will the flames penetrate the heart of man (do they have one?) or the intellectual power of waves!”
The answer proved moot, as a hailstorm of arrows turned the light into dark, blocking out the Sun! The cries of the noble, Godless warriors eclipsed the bright shining screams of Spaniards gone amuck! Brom Bones took one to his fibula. And a brave sailor stayed by the side of his love while the storm continued.
“Brom Bones! My love, my pet, my friend! Hang on to your dear life as Father Time is shorter, but even more valuable in these dangerous times. Hang on to my eyes and watch love flow forth and blind you in these dark tides. Feel my hand press on yours and my caressing pets will prove a torturous ally of longing into your descent up into what we can only hope, what I can only hope is a gentler world! Please smell my body next to yours, inhale deeply, my one, inhale softly, my dear, as this sense of purpose of place in an unfamiliar world will provide you guidance on your way into another unfamiliar, but not (hopefully) unfamilial world. Take this kiss, take this present, take this past and wield it into your unstoppable future, Brom Bones!”
Christopher Columbus wept as the brave Brom Bones sunk into his embrace with a deathly weight. The rain of arrows stopped and a flood of noble warriors began. They took the courageous Christopher Columbus prisoner and escorted him up to the palace. A broken down teepee the size of an average Spaniards hut. He insinuated as much and was savagely beaten with a stick by a savagely warrior who threw him down savagely, beaten, bruised (in body not spirits, except for the void in his very soul that Brom Bones plugged with his formidable wish bone).
“You savages! You Godless fiends! You have torn my heart in three! One for my country; one for Brom Bones, a love that will echo through the ages; and one for me, but don’t cry for me, else I bring death upon your township, else I bring sorrow to your mothers, your fathers, your sisters, your brothers, your nieces, your nephews, and your lovers!”
Chief Powhattan had heard enough. He motioned for his second-in-command to cut Christopher’s Bone off. The sturdy steed wound up with his eye on the soon to be worthless prize and swung down with a force that would eventually bring Custer to his knees! But a young, seven-year-old beautiful princess, Pocahontas, dove onto the skeletal strumpet and the Indian stopped his downward descent into glory!
“It appears that Brom Bone’s spirit speaks again. You, my princess, my nymphet, my love! My cipher for the Bone and of the Bone, you will be mine and our nations will merge and lead as one! We will build roads, schools, museums to commemorate this joyful occasion. Aye, I must wait a good four years to sow my demon seed into this angel, but sow I will and plant and water with my desirous nectar, let it flow from the mount of forbidden pain to the valley of sorrowful forgiveness! We are one!”
With the princess’s attention diverted, Powhattan took a mighty chop at the Bone himself and all was lost…
Christopher Columbus railed on his nearest companion, Brom Bones, first mate, second lover, and third friend.
“Brom Bones, you son of a whore! Literally, you rapscallion! Ah, a storm’s about and we must keep ourselves warm. So bring your diseased blankets into the dirty room full of boards, wood, and pirate’s rum. We’re no pirates though. Our alliances lie elsewhere, nowhere, Spainwhere! Find the fire that will light my loins, Bones! Find the light that will fight my desire, the fire! Make it a warm one, with rufflely roars and whimsical chords. Fan the flames and call on high, let the Spanish Gods have their pie, sir. Oh, Brom Bones, ‘tis land ahead, go steady yet in due haste and don’t stop until we have the correct momentum, don’t stop until we can memorialate and consummate this party for our very Spanish souls. Did I mention we’re Spanish?”
Christopher Columbus finished his flogging and tore into the deck.
“Men! At least you call yourself men! Man the gaps and anchor the mast! Land I seek on a ship so meek to pray to lie to sit to dive into waters so pure the blue hatred of one’s eye washed away into the memories that sand encapsulates.”
The men did what they were told and Christopher Columbus was gratified. His lustful loins pressed into Brom Bone’s femur. Feeling moister by the second and drier by the minute, Christopher Columbus summoned to the sky with the fury of an angel and the cunning of a tradesman.
“What will meet us in these untamed lands? Who will seek us and in sooth, who will we seek? How will we find the strength to go beyond the floggy rails of our past months at sea. Me, my men and the old man (not the river, but the Ocean, fears the ages and fights the sages! Crack the whip and kneel there be nips! India we shall call this unsacred land).”
They slowly got off the ship and all fell at the same time. Sea legs were upon the crew and none the wiser. They all shared a polite, cordial laugh, eyes shining, and got up only to fall down again. The laughter this time was cruel, callous, empty, putrid, presumptuous, cunning, devoid of meaning and dependent of viciousness.
“Before our very sea-weary eyes! What do we have, but savages. Bearing their God-given goods for all of nature (and civilization) to take in. Damn their flesh, damn them, Bones, carve them up, tie them up, to the rails!”
They tied the enemies of their God onto a canoe that they fashioned from the alien trees upon the shores. In a symbolic gesture that would have made Homer blush, they pushed the canoe out into the sea, dragging the savage warriors out to the Clementine-inspired death, but not before setting the canoe afire!
“What element will do our work, Spain’s work, first? Fight water with fire and fire with water. This is the coliseum for the Gods! This is where the Romans are in present day, past day and the future combining to watch fire take savage flesh while the cool temptations of water seduce mother breath! Oh will the flames penetrate the heart of man (do they have one?) or the intellectual power of waves!”
The answer proved moot, as a hailstorm of arrows turned the light into dark, blocking out the Sun! The cries of the noble, Godless warriors eclipsed the bright shining screams of Spaniards gone amuck! Brom Bones took one to his fibula. And a brave sailor stayed by the side of his love while the storm continued.
“Brom Bones! My love, my pet, my friend! Hang on to your dear life as Father Time is shorter, but even more valuable in these dangerous times. Hang on to my eyes and watch love flow forth and blind you in these dark tides. Feel my hand press on yours and my caressing pets will prove a torturous ally of longing into your descent up into what we can only hope, what I can only hope is a gentler world! Please smell my body next to yours, inhale deeply, my one, inhale softly, my dear, as this sense of purpose of place in an unfamiliar world will provide you guidance on your way into another unfamiliar, but not (hopefully) unfamilial world. Take this kiss, take this present, take this past and wield it into your unstoppable future, Brom Bones!”
Christopher Columbus wept as the brave Brom Bones sunk into his embrace with a deathly weight. The rain of arrows stopped and a flood of noble warriors began. They took the courageous Christopher Columbus prisoner and escorted him up to the palace. A broken down teepee the size of an average Spaniards hut. He insinuated as much and was savagely beaten with a stick by a savagely warrior who threw him down savagely, beaten, bruised (in body not spirits, except for the void in his very soul that Brom Bones plugged with his formidable wish bone).
“You savages! You Godless fiends! You have torn my heart in three! One for my country; one for Brom Bones, a love that will echo through the ages; and one for me, but don’t cry for me, else I bring death upon your township, else I bring sorrow to your mothers, your fathers, your sisters, your brothers, your nieces, your nephews, and your lovers!”
Chief Powhattan had heard enough. He motioned for his second-in-command to cut Christopher’s Bone off. The sturdy steed wound up with his eye on the soon to be worthless prize and swung down with a force that would eventually bring Custer to his knees! But a young, seven-year-old beautiful princess, Pocahontas, dove onto the skeletal strumpet and the Indian stopped his downward descent into glory!
“It appears that Brom Bone’s spirit speaks again. You, my princess, my nymphet, my love! My cipher for the Bone and of the Bone, you will be mine and our nations will merge and lead as one! We will build roads, schools, museums to commemorate this joyful occasion. Aye, I must wait a good four years to sow my demon seed into this angel, but sow I will and plant and water with my desirous nectar, let it flow from the mount of forbidden pain to the valley of sorrowful forgiveness! We are one!”
With the princess’s attention diverted, Powhattan took a mighty chop at the Bone himself and all was lost…
posted by neilly bojangles at 12:52 PM
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